When it all falls down, a testimony pt. 1

Springtime in the sprinklers circa 2010

This is my testimony. My hope and my prayer is that it will inspire someone else who may be in a dark place. The sun will come out again. It always does. The truth is that sun never changes, everything around it does. It’s always shining behind the clouds.

I didn’t realize then, but now I know one thing for sure: It’s really not my life after all and when I finally gave it up, He saved it. I’m talking about the best man I’ve ever known, Jesus.

It all started when my husband, who was my college sweetheart, made a decision to be single. He was acting accordingly. It was annoying, hurtful and just a terrible place to be in. In the meantime, I was waiting for him to come to his senses. Since, after all we’d been together for 9 years, married for 6. I knew this had to be a phase. I believed he’d come around and get through this rough period. I tried prayer, counseling, fasting, rebuking, demanding, compromising, separating.

Until, he finally said it out loud.

“I just don’t want to be married. ”

But, he didn’t.

No, I hadn’t even told my own mother because I didn’t want to share this failure with anyone. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want anyone to know I felt shame, despair and every imaginable emotion. I couldn’t ask for help with a helpless situation. 
But my mother came to see about me just the same. That’s what mothers do. She warned me to keep my mind strong because it’s a slippery slope on the way to crazy and with one false step you could slip, slide into the abyss. Lost. That visual made me laugh. I pictured someone sliding down a hill somewhere on the way into the valley of mental illness. But it wasn’t funny. For the first time in my life, I understood how so many women snap, stab someone or set houses on fire and end up on the news. I realized they’re not crazy, they’re just broken. 

Divorce was the worst betrayal I could fathom. Your spouse is someone you deliberately select to share your life with. It’s a mutual agreement, an intentional bond. I loved him in spite of his flaws expecting him to do the same. He did not. Who had I married and what did I miss? Nothing made sense anymore. Everything I thought I knew had to be wrong. And I was too tired to figure out how to make it right. 

Thankfully, my faith sustained me. I drew strength from the bible stories and God’s promises. I decided to be still because I knew He had to fight these battles. 

Not to mention, I was parenting my daughter through the divorce. Four years old at the time, and an only child, she experienced a good deal of separation anxiety. She’d wake up at night screaming, and in the morning the same. She missed her dad and became exceptionally clingy, she’d follow me every where I went within the house as though I’d leave if she let me out of her sight. I bought her the book titled Dinosaurs Divorce it helped tremendously by explaining in child-like terms what a divorce is and what it means for the child. She told me it made her feel much better. Understanding can do that.

Meanwhile, being awake was intensely draining. I couldn’t control my emotions. I’d be sitting at work one moment reviewing a file, then sorrow would well up in my eyes and I’d be crying. 

Was my mom going to be okay? Where was my life headed? I didn’t have any answers but the one thing that remained certain was my confidence in God. I believed wholeheartedly that things would get better, even if I didn’t know when. And they did.

I got so focused on the healing and restorative word of God that I knew there was some greater purpose for all of this. I didn’t even need to know what it was either. I was busy learning to trust God completely. There was no other option. 

And over time, everything got better. My life is now better than it was before the trials. I’ve remarried, I’ve regained my passion for cooking and writing and feel like now is the right time for a new beginning. It’s God’s timing.